Dear sisters,
I love the language of “spectrums”—the idea that, rather than labeling ways of being on a binary scale of normal or abnormal, we instead seek to locate all types of behaviors, personality types, relational styles, and neurological predispositions within a flexible, creative, multi-dimensional, and almost limitless range of possibilities. While a traditional diagnosis can reduce a complex human to a fixed and finite set of symptoms or traits, this new way of describing a person’s current state of being allows for developing a sense of pride in one’s unique emotional and neurological makeup, space to engage in creative growth on one’s own terms, and freedom from having perfectly rational feelings and behaviors treated as an illness or pathology.
This is not to deny that, at the far ends of some of these ranges, an individual’s well-being can be severely compromised and that such a person might benefit from learning behavior modification, healing traumatic wounds, or taking skillfully prescribed medication. However, I’d venture to say that describes the most extreme 10 percent of any descriptive range that is used to illustrate an average person’s state of being at any given time. The other 90 percent simply allows for the astonishingly varied ways in which one can be human.
Like individuals, relationships can also be described as existing within an interconnected web of spectrums—physically safe/unsafe, emotionally safe/unsafe, equitable/inequitable, etc. However, unlike the spectrums that describe individuals, there are dire consequences for women when our relationships fall even a moderate distance from the ideal end of the range. When we add up the cumulative effects of the lack of physical or emotional safety and less-than-equitable distribution of interpersonal care and household labor that exist in many heterosexual relationships, and then add coerced sex, mental load, and a general lack of intimacy to the equation, the result is an epidemic of women who suffer from resentment, depression, postpartum depression, lack of sexual desire, debilitating fatigue, and chronic pain.
In our culture, sexism plays an undeniable and unavoidable role in determining where a heterosexual relationship falls upon these spectrums. Because of this, women experience a deficit of care and an unfair share of unpaid physical and emotional labor in their partnerships. And because our sexist culture benefits when this exploitation of women is normalized, women who speak out about problems in their relationships are told to “just be grateful that he doesn’t hit you,” or to “communicate your needs more clearly.” This is, to use a technical therapy term, complete bullshit.
So, what does that mythical beast—the healthy, mutually beneficial, equitable heterosexual relationship—actually look like? Here are some of the minimum standards for a few of the basic descriptive spectrums:
Physically Safe / Unsafe Spectrum
-Your partner does not hit, push, grab, pinch, or slap you.
-You receive no unwanted touch.
-Your partner does not bully you and pretend that it is play (e.g., spraying you with the hose when you ask him not to, dangling a spider in your face when he knows you hate spiders, etc.).
-You can exist in various states of dress / undress without being grabbed or groped without your consent or having your body evaluated or commented on.
-You are able to take up space, make noise, and command attention without asking permission, apologizing, or experiencing repercussions.
-Your partner does not engage in sexual touch or behaviors when you’re sleeping or otherwise unable or unwilling to consent. (This is sexual assault, even in marriage.)
Emotionally Safe / Unsafe Spectrum
-Your partner does not belittle, minimize, or make jokes at your expense in front of others.
-You never have to walk on eggshells to avoid your partner’s anger.
-Your partner listens to your concerns closely, takes them seriously, and makes it clear that your well-being is his first priority.
-Your partner doesn’t insist on approving your purchases, tracking your location, or limiting time you spend with friends or family.
-Your partner takes your side in conflict with other family members, friends, etc.
-You are able to turn down any bid for touch or sex without being punished with silence, pouting, debate, whining, anger, threats of cheating, or any other form of retaliation. (This is sexual coercion, even in marriage.)
Equitable / Inequitable Spectrum
-Your partner does at least 50 percent of the household labor to an agreed-upon standard without being reminded and without complaining or expecting a gold star. You never have to to give any thought or attention to the things that are his responsibility because you are confident that they will be done on time and done well.
-You get the same amount of sleep and rest as your partner.
-You and your partner encourage and support each other’s hobbies and creative pursuits and spend an equal amount of time engaged in them.
-Your partner knows where everything in the home is stored, takes note when items are running low, shops for replacements, and puts them away in the proper place.
-Your partner knows how to contact, schedule, and pay the lawn service, plumber, dog daycare, pest control, etc.
-Your partner makes his own dentist and doctor appointments without needing to be reminded or convinced of their necessity.
Equitable / Inequitable with Children Specrum
-Your partner knows the names and contact info of your kids’ teachers, doctors, babysitters, coaches, and friends. He receives all emails and updates from these sources.
-Your partner knows when the kids’ dentist appointments are due, when it’s their turn to bring snacks to school, where soccer practices are held, where the soccer equipment is stored, etc.
-Your partner researches summer camps, after-school activities, the kids’ special dietary needs, and parenting strategies without be asked.
-Your partner proactively maintains and checks the family calendar rather than asking you when and where events are happening.
-Your partner does not refer to time spent alone with his children as babysitting or as doing you a special favor.
At first glance, this seems like we’re asking a lot, doesn’t it? But is it unreasonable to expect your child’s father to know the name of her doctor AND her kindergarten teacher? To expect your life partner to not bully you into having sex that you don’t want? To expect a grown man to notice when toilet paper—or his son’s potentially lifesaving asthma medication—is running low and do something about it? Our sexist culture wants us to feel ashamed for placing any expectations at all upon our male partners—instead we are to dutifully accept our diminished lives or risk being labeling as demanding nags.
In fact, the conditions listed above actually describe the bare minimum requirements to guarantee safety, mutual care, and equity in a heterosexual partnership. You deserve at least the bare minimum and, as far as I’m concerned, a lot more. Please understand that there’s no shame in going along with cultural norms and expectations—we are taught to believe that the bare minimum is too much to ask from the time we are young girls.
If your partnership is lacking in some of these areas, there is hope for change. The degree and pace of the changes you’d like to make in your life are completely up to you. Reach out if you need an ally or would like to discuss the way forward.
Warmly,
Sheryl